- RELATIONSHIP SKILLS -
1 - Empathy
Being aware of what another is feeling; "seeing it” from
their point-of-view. And then
responding in
a constructive, nurturing way... (E.g., by
appealing to the Elephant and using
effective critisism to deliver criticism...)
2 - Step Back
To then
respond...this being a
Rider skill that gives us the capacity to "overrule" the
Elephant's [i.e.,
our] often very intense reaction...
3 - (Taking a) Time Out
And
then respond...like
Step Back, this is being able to see (be
mindful) that one or both is emotionally escalated and, before something worse is said or done, one needs some time to "de-escalate," come to see more clearly what is really happening, and - at least potentially -
respond in a constructive way...
4 - (Being able to) Agree to Disagree
Using
Acceptance and being respectful (in reciprocal fashion) in doing so...
5 - (Using) I Statements
"I feel ___ when you ___ because ___."
- or -
"When you ___, I feel ___ because ___.”)
6 - Avoiding Gottman's Four Horsemen
(ie, behaviors that damage relationship)
Criticism - [attacking] - involves attacking your partner's personality or character, usually with the intent of making yourself appear “right” and showing that your partner is wrong. This includes statements that are blaming and otherwise insulting.
Contempt - [use of mockery, sarcasm] -is the use of mockery, sarcasm, and hostile humor with the intent of making one's partner feel stupid, foolish, or otherwise inferior. Contempt also involves attacking your partner's sense of self with the intent (and result) to insult or psychologically abuse them.
Defensiveness - [making excuses] involves defending oneself from real or perceived criticism by making excuses, deflecting, blaming, cross-complaining, or otherwise avoiding responsibility for one's own behavior.
Stonewalling - [disengaging] - involves actively disengaging from a conversation by looking away and not responding to one's partner. This usually occurs when one partner is feeling overwhelmed by the conversation, and he or she withdraws from the relationship as a way to avoid conflict. Partners may think they are trying to be neutral, but stonewalling conveys disapproval, icy distance, separation, disconnection, and/or smugness.
