ERM*: The “Step Back” Response

  – Stop, Think…and only then…Do –

As described in When the Rider Leads (ERM-3.1) there are times when our Rider can, and should, lead…as in not letting the reaction we’re having play out but stepping in and actually considering what to do, or say, next.

In other words, there are times when we should respond rather than just react.

One of these times is when we can “catch ourself” in a moment of an emotionally escalating event; most often this would be one of increasing anger or heightened fear. Being able to recognize such a moment and then to actually do something about it…will likely result in a better outcome. And may even be critical – to our own as well as others’ safety and well-being.

One approach to effecting such an outcome is called the “Step Back” response. It is quite possibly something you were taught, or told, as a child: “Stop, Think, Do.” It is actually a learned reaction – that is, it is a behavior one can teach the Elephant to perform…which means it is really both a habit and a skill as well. But, whether or not learned and habitualized, it is nevertheless a behavior one can engage that may be very helpful and productive, and in extreme circumstances even life-saving.

The challenge is in getting oneself to use it…because in moments of escalation, and especially hyper-escalation, it is not (at least at first) a natural “go to” behavior. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. And, like most things, if one can remember to use it just once – and it works! – then one is more likely to use it again. (This is one way the Elephant learns…)

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In contrast to our “fight or flight” or paralyzing “freeze” reactions (i.e., our Elephant), Step Back is a rational response…that is, one that gives the Rider a chance to be heard. And that is the whole point: To allow our Rider to do what the Elephant can’t – which is to recognize that what is happening may turn out bad…or at least worse, and maybe far worse, if we don’t do something else.

Step Back is triggered by recognizing “in the moment” that you need to stop what you’re doing and pause…and then to fully engage your rational mind – your Rider! – to figure out a better way to proceed…

When so triggered, stepping back consists of 1) taking three breaths, and 2) engaging the Observing Self.[1]

This may then lead to 3) listening to the Rider’s take on what to do next…

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“Doing” STEP BACK

1. STOP…and take (3) breaths – You may choose to close your eyes or not (depending on the situation of course)…but as you take your three breaths, direct yourself to then:
2. Engage the Observing Self – Silently say to yourself “Okay…” which is short-hand for “Stop reacting – push aside the emotion – and just observe what is happening while letting go of judgment.” And then, try to:
3. Listen to the Rider – Consciously and intentionally override your Elephant’s reactive impulse for now – don’t say, don’t do, don’t whatever!!! Rather, it’s time to think, analyze, consider – and only then respond!

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Why The “Step Back”

1. Makes me a better person…by getting me to use my Rider (i.e., my conscious, problem-solving, empathetic mind) in situations where my Elephant (i.e., my reacting and overwhelmingly emotional mind) is pushing me out of control (or near to making me lose control). By engaging the Step Back, I can, instead, be the kind of person I will later be proud to be.
2. Might keep me out of trouble…and prevent me from doing something I would regret later, including something that might be very costly – emotionally, physically, and/or financially.
3. Could save my life – or someone else’s life…by giving me the chance to realize how dangerous or risky what I’m doing really is. Being able to step back can help me see what’s actually going on, and stop me from 1) getting caught up in, 2) escalating to the point of crisis, and 3) becoming violent, abusive, or even homicidal.
4. Because I have a choice…and making a better choice, especially in that moment of crisis or anger or fear, can be life changing…

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[1] Observing Self = our Rider’s ability to look at – rather than being in, or caught up in – what is going on; and more, to observe non-judgmentally what’s happening in the present moment (as in setting those damned emotions aside for a moment)…

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*Elephant/Rider Model: The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt, 2006.