ERM*: Self-Talk – As Opportunity

Imagine two individuals sitting in stop-and-go traffic at rush hour. One perceives himself as trapped…and says to himself such things as “Oh, shit!” and “This sucks!” and then (as he reaches for his traffic app), “How bad’s this gonna be?” And then maybe, “Why do I let myself get into this mess?” What this individual feels is predominantly frustration, anxiety, and anger…

The other individual comes to perceive the situation as an opportunity…to sit back, let go, and listen to some good music. She’s thinking, “Well darn, here it is again. But, hey, might as well just relax and adjust to the pace of the traffic,” and maybe, “Could even unwind a little more by doing some deep breathing.”  What this individual comes to feel is a sense of calm and acceptance, even at peace with herself…

In both cases, the situation is exactly the same…but the feelings and behaviors in response to that situation are vastly different…as reflected in each individual’s self-talk, sometimes referred to and described as one’s “internal dialogue.”

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Self-talk is that dialogue – or conversation, or “running commentary” – we are often having “in our head.” It is the internal “vocalization” of our thinking, and a conscious expression of our thoughts…in language articulated by – yet limited to – those words, metaphors, and directives we’ve learned. Self-talk is also – as in that using words to manifest thoughts – part of, or at least a reflection of, our reaction to events and triggered beliefs. And thus, self-talk is potentially an opportunity to look at and process such thoughts and feelings we’re having.

Because self-talk can also be seen, and understood, as a dialogue between one’s Rider and Elephant. Recall that reactions (as in the traffic situation) are a function of the Elephant, and manifest as 1) feelings, 2) physical symptoms/indicators, 3) behaviors, and 4) automatic thoughts. One could say that those automatic thoughts are the Elephant’s contribution to the self-talk conversation…although, unless one is mindful of them or is in processing mode (as in seeking to identify and possibly examine them – e.g., when engaging CBT), these thoughts are usually missed or ignored by the Rider.

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Now an arguably salient question relating to the aforementioned “traffic situation” is: “Why is one person’s response so different from the other’s?” The answer, of course, at least in part, is: “Because of their differing worldviews…as reflected in their core beliefs and attitude.” And we know where these come from: primarily from our genetics and our conditioning…

…and yet also – possibly, potentially, eventually – from our Rider’s capacity to think critically and to change or alter our conditioning. In the ERM, this is called “re-training the Elephant”- and can be achieved, for example, using CBT, or utilizing the skill of emotional processing, or engaging in therapy.

And this is something the second driver has likely already done in having had some prior experience of being held up in heavy traffic. She knows she can’t change the situation, that heavy stop-and-go traffic was going to be a possibility (is sometimes simply “a fact of life”), and that, yes, even being frustrated with it may be quite natural…yet doesn’t have to predominate and unnecessarily deplete her emotional energy. She came to realize and understand that in such a situation she had choices.

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So, what “we’re saying to ourselves” in response to any particular situation or event is at least in part a reflection of our mood and feelings. Often what we’re saying (“thinking”) happens so quickly and naturally that we don’t even consider questioning the why…and so go with the impression – and might argue – that the external situation “makes us feel” the way we do. But it’s really the beliefs and values we hold, and our particular interpretations about what is happening that is based on those beliefs and values, that form the basis of our reaction, here being our feelings and the self-talk that ensues.

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The overriding point here is that – like it or not – you are largely responsible for how you feel. This is an important realization – and one that sometimes takes a long time to fully grasp.  For, let’s face it, it’s often much easier to blame the way you feel on something or someone outside yourself than to take responsibility for your reactions.

Yet it is through your willingness to accept that responsibility that you begin to take charge and acquire more mastery over your life. You can learn to be more appropriately mindful of your self-talk and exploit those opportunities to “change the world” – i.e., your world.

The realization that you are mostly responsible for how you feel is empowering once you learn to accept it.  And it’s one of the most important keys to living a happier, more effective, and less anxiety-ridden life.

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*Elephant/Rider Model: The Happiness Hypothesis, Jonathan Haidt, 2006.