Social vs Spirit Talk…

Social talk is by far the more common communication practiced and heard in our everyday lives.  In The Art of True Conversation: A Letter to My Daughter by John Taylor Gatto (2001), Gatto shrewdly points out there are really only two “gains” to be found from this kind of exchange: “to endow yourself with significance or to endow others.”

Gatto provides “five flavors” of social talk to consider.  The first flavor is self-expression, or social talk that is all about “Me, me, me, me, and me!”  It is often rendered as opinion, criticism, commentary, or pontification.  In “graceful doses” it can be useful, interesting and even appropriate.  It “gives your friends or listeners ‘a fix’ on who you are, or what you believe, or what you value.”  It might even be argued it addresses the human need to feel important and significant, to let the world know “I am somebody!,” and to affirm a sense of belonging.  And yet, while sometimes couched in terms of self-deprecation or self-aggrandizement, it is all too often simply unnecessary; but that’s hardly a reason to expect people will ever desist.

The second flavor of social talk is recreating information, for example commentary about weather, prices, something you read, saw, heard, etc.  Note that while it can be useful and informative, it can often become twisted into disinformation, as in miscommunication, misquoting, or lack of context.  If driven by discomfort with silence, it acquires the attendant characteristic of being pointless or, again, unnecessary.

The third flavor Gatto cites is competition; in other words who, in the conversation, will dominate, “win,” or be the more [most] important participant.  Seldom, he says, is the triumphant party’s case “based on truth.”  Winning arguments or preempting disproportionate time establishes aggressiveness [i.e., dominance] and ambition.  Think of show-offs ranting on and on to demonstrate how they have “superior knowledge or information.” And it can devolve into that most irritating manifestation when it becomes a game of one-upmanship; i.e., who’s better, or has the better story.

The fourth flavor of social talk is found in expressions of curiosity ; these are the primary means we use to bestow the vital gift of importance on people we talk to.  In this way we convey measures of compassion, good will, concern, and caring.  It is polite yet, too often, superficial.  It may only be a feigned interest (e.g., “How are ya’ doin’?”, “Oh! That’s too bad…”) but, even then, it can yield a little nugget of value. 

The fifth flavor he identifies is one of entertainment – which is the power to see the world with humor and wit.  “Social life” (when you get right down to it) is more often that making of illusion, or a game, and although some things require seriousness, far more would benefit from a lighter touch.  He notes: “Humorless people are not only a drag but often recklessly bad judges of reality.”  What Gatto’s saying is that some people just take life too seriously.  It’s healthy to give back a little; so tell a joke or a funny story.  Laugh at yourself.  And laugh at the world; it’s one of the reasons, arguably, that we’re here.

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Then, the “anatomy of spirit talk” is wonderfully introduced by Gatto:

“Just three streams of conversation are infinitely renewable, always fresh, always appropriate, always valuable – the possession of even one of these in your conversational repertoire will keep you alive.  To own all three is to be truly rich, self-sufficient, able to appreciate what a great gift life is.”

The first stream he calls emotionally generous talk of constantly encouraging, of supporting without recriminations and lectures, and of unconditional giving without expectation of reward or personal gain; it is free of any underlying or hidden motivation to manipulate or feed self-interest. To be emotionally generous arises (Gatto states) from a human need; I envision the simple example of the parent, with arms outstretched, encouraging a child first learning to walk. 

And, he says, “Those who can manage both power (authority) and [the exercise of] emotional generosity are indeed rare.”  Gatto goes on to observe with irony that emotionally ungenerous people often tend to gravitate towards positions of power. 

He also notes that “emotional generosity shows best and most reliably when the going is tough.”  We’re not talking here [pun unintended] about the sweet, helpful, socially “nice” people with a kind word or two.  Its importance and value is something learned through personal difficulty and struggle.  Expressed through a mindfulness of others, this kind of spirit talk reflects maturity, self-confidence, and a personal harmony.

The second stream in spirit talk is that intense, high-focus interchange people engage in for the purpose of constructively solving a problem of mutual interest; it’s the human intellect in high gear.  Lasting human connections (e.g., marriage, friendships, and communities) are only possible to those who constantly solve (resolve) the problem of entropy (here “defined” by Gatto as the drift toward boredom with the misguided notion there is nothing left to discover – in another person, in oneself, or in life!). 

Learning to make the “search for solutions” a part of every human encounter is to unleash the remarkable power of human potential.  Developing the ability to “open your eyes (ears) and your mind” so that you can “discover” a different perspective, arrangement, or formulation allows one to experience over and over again validation of what this potential makes possible.  In this kind of exchange, says Gatto, both parties “will remember what was said and the ‘spirit’ in which it was exchanged; you and they become people truly worth knowing.  And you’ll look forward to seeing each other again.”  He goes on to state “the search-for-solutions mode of talking is active and inexhaustible.”  For myself, I would characterize this talk as one of the “highly effective ways” to engage in Stephen Covey’s teachings of Habits 4 (Think Win/Win) and 5 (Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood).[2]

The third stream is to share with someone in the exploration of the mystery; it is nothing less than to discover oneself anew. In Gatto’s words it is “always striving and constantly evolving into the kind of calm, wise, and courageous person whose soul runs deep and whose spirit can soar.  It is essential to understand, to grow, and to change constantly; it is how we become the layered, complex, interesting, valued and valuable person.”  He continues, “It is important to develop the ability to enter a ‘state of youth’ where everything seems new, fresh, significant, and interesting, even awesome.”  One must practice being mindful of “that mystery [which] is central to human existence…and makes the rewards and punishments of others meaningless, or at least secretly funny.”  And he “puts an exclamation point” on the importance of this effort when he says, “Don’t try to delegate this responsibility to someone else (e.g., priest, parson, rabbi); it can’t be done.”

Gatto provides a number of compelling reasons for one to engage in spirit talk.  It is in this most constructive rhetorical exchange, which pushes the envelope and can stimulate one’s thinking in the most unexpected ways, that one finds fascination, purpose, and renewal.  Again, to quote him directly:

“Are there really any answers to big questions?  Of course there are.  They are private answers, as individualized as your own fingerprint is from everybody else’s.  The answers come slowly, and only after very, very hard work, not by a priest but by yourself.  When you own even part of an answer, the quiet strength you gain in every attitude of daily living is a great comfort in times of trial.”

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[1] From The Art of True Conversation: A Letter to My Daughter by John Taylor Gatto, 2001

[2] The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey, 1989.