Sitting Quietly – Acceptance [1]

This practice is about moving forward…from being in an emotionally difficult and painful place to a different one, which can lead to reconciliation and a return to equanimity.

Acceptance is psychological skill, the ability to acknowledge painful feelings while also getting things done. It is the process in which the Rider takes the lead in 1) helping the Elephant to become habituated[2] and decreasingly preoccupied with the painful feelings, and 2) steering one’s efforts in attending to one’s daily needs and responsibilities.

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This exercise in acceptance first involves that acknowledging – as in facing, feeling, and engaging with – one’s feelings, specifically the painful ones that have come from some recent event or situation. You’ll likely find, with successive “doings” of this exercise, that the difficult or painful feelings will in fact subside, becoming less intense and troublesome, as your Elephant becomes habituated. This is one goal…

…while the second is to then redirect your thinking and focus into relevant efforts and productive action.

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Note that this is a self-directed practice based in part on the therapeutic process of exposure.[3] One usually “goes into it” knowing it won’t be easy or likely pleasant. But doing it repeatedly as necessary can bring one through to a far better place (both emotionally and cognitively) and likely in much less time than one would otherwise take or require.

It may be helpful to realize that this exercise is also a process in skill development; one starts by learning the steps and then, with each successive “session,” gets better and more effective in using it…which also leads to “it” getting better and more effective in helping you!

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The steps in this exercise are: 1) Engage, 2) Dis-Engage, 3) Re-Direct…

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Prepare to begin:  Identify the issue that is/was troubling you (usually pretty obvious), or the one that you wish would (or could) change but won’t (or can’t) right now.[4]

Begin: Start with a 10-count[5] and then, using the Observing Self,[6] start to look at the feelings (there’s often more than one) that the given issue you’ve chosen brings up. (E.g., think silently to yourself, “As I look at [the issue], I feel ____…”) And then:

1. Engage: So now, feel the feeling…

• • • …as much and as long as you can, or want…
    • …allow it to be there…
    • …make space for it…
    • …feel it rage, whorl, whine, or whimper…try not to fight it – try to just let it be…and ride it through…
    • …cry if it helps, laugh if it helps, curse if it helps…
    • …stay with it for a while, OR only as long as you “can stand it”…
    • …then start to…

2. Disengage: …begin to step back and expand your perspective – see the feeling as the prominent player on the stage, having its moment, having its say, playing its part, but…

• • • …start to notice there are other players and parts (i.e., thoughts and feelings) on the stage…
    • …observe the lights coming up on some of them…
    • …what else is happening on this stage that is your life…
    • …then decide to…

3. Re-Direct: …and as you do, start to focus on these other needs, desires, responsibilities…

• • • …why are they important …
    • …what are they telling you, or reminding you, that also needs your attention…
    • …take these moments to identify what is important…to do…today…and tomorrow…
    • …and, when you’re ready, when you know “what else is important or necessary to attend to,” finish your session with a breathing 10-count…

…and then calmly step into the rest of your day…

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[1] This card is an exercise; for a description click Acceptance 101…

[2] Habituation here refers to the decrease in response to a particular stimulus due to repeated presentations. The reaction or response to an event or object (i.e., the feelings that “come up” from the Elephant) can be naturally reduced and neutralized due to ongoing exposure to the same. Some examples: When a person moves to a new place; over time, and usually quickly, that person will “get used to” the new environmental sounds (like the “quiet” of the countryside or the “noisy” sounds of a city). Or, when starting a new job, the initial fear, uncertainty, or anxiety lessens and recedes as one confronts and becomes familiar with the job situation.

[3] Exposure is considered to be one of the most effective psychological techniques for the treatment of fear and anxiety; it is presented here for use with any difficult or painful feelings one may be having and/or struggling with (e.g., anger, frustration, resentment, shame, regret). Exposure therapy per se embodies the ‘face your fears’ maxim and involves encouraging one to repeatedly face an object or situation which causes them the particular difficult or painful feeling. This is how the brain becomes “re-wired” or, in ERM parlance, the Elephant gets “re-trained.”

[4] This can simply be something one knows; i.e., some event or behavior was experienced and has resulted in hurt that can’t be changed (at least near term). Or it may be something that one has come to understand doesn’t lend itself to problem-solving or reconciliation (one the outcomes in using CBT), and the difficult feelings remain.

[5] Ref SQ-2 Concentration (or “centering”).

[6] SQ-3 Engaging the Observing Self